TONY SOPRANO…NEW OWNER OF THE TAJ MAHAL ?!
I like the sound of that. I’m Tony Soprano and I’m thinking about buying the Taj. Yeah, I might offer “The Donald” a good deal…a real good deal…one that he can’t refuse.
Waste management is my current business. Me and my family live off Exit 14 on the Turnpike, but my business takes me all over Jersey. The business has been giving me too many problems lately. My partner had to “go away” for awhile. I’m being asked for favors all over the freaking place. I need to take a couple of associates for a ride, and lots more grief to handle. KnowadImean? The Feds are following me, my competitors are pressing for a higher percentage of juice, and one of my Captains, I mean…uh.. drivers…is being questioned by the Rackets Commission and may turn state‘s evidence. Another one of my top..uh..drivers is missing, and one of my underbosses, Frankie, is in the hospital recovering from massive injuries incurred while he was starting his car. Ya know, the garbage business ain’t so freakin easy. Yeah, it’s loaded with action, women, and lots of money, but I’m getting aggita. Fuggetaboutit.
I’ve been to AC many times and really like visiting the Taj. If I’m gonna run the place I gotta make some changes though. For one thing, it needs more Goombahs walking in the door. And I know just what to do it.
First of all, I’m gonna have Sinatra piped into all the rooms, restaurants, casino, and poker room. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving out Dino or Tony Bennett. They’ll have their share of the airwaves.
Next, the chairs in the poker room gotta go. That’s right. I’m gonna change all the freakin chairs. I can barely get my ass into one, never mind guys like “FatEddie” or “Tony from Bayonne”. I’m gonna add six inches to each side.
Another thing. What the F… is with those tiny chocolates on the bed at night. What’s that for?…..a bird?!!! A cannoli, that’s right, a nice fat cannoli, from Momma Leone’s should be sitting there. In fact, that fag French restaurant by the lobby goes, and Momma Leone’s Fine Italian cuisine comes in. People want to eat a nice fat Braggiole, not some wimp cheese soufflé.
And the security of the whole place will be upgraded. You think those pussy rent-a-cops, or for that matter, the real cops are gonna protect you? You been to AC lately? It’s a freakin horror story…crime all over the place. It won’t be in my place though. You need an escort? Just go see Vito in the security office! You try to rip me off? Vito will see you in the security office! Ya knowadImean?! Fuggetaboutit. You cause a crime at the Taj…you won’t be goin to the freakin police station, jail, or court. You’ll likely be looking for an orthopedic surgeon…or maybe takin a long swim will suit ya.
I know I’ll have to go before the State Board to get approval for a gambling license. I’ll tell them the same thing I told the FBI and local cops. I was in Vegas for two weeks when Joey Balls was found in one of my landfills. And, by the way, I had nothing to do with body parts of “Vinnie the Nose” showing up in the AC surf. Yeah, we had a beef, but you can’t pin it on me. I was with my wife. Ask her, go ahead, ask her. And Jimmy Hoffa?!! I don’t know him, never knowed him, and don’t know who whacked him. I was at a Yankee game…with a priest that day.
Ya know, maybe I don’t need to run the Taj. Yeah screw it!
Author: Tommy G. (ex-Jersey resident, veteran poker player, and Magician)
Tommy G offers an instructional DVD on how to perform a variety of colorful poker chip tricks (and some powerful card handling moves). Go to http://www.pokerchipdvd.com.