Am I in love or just spaced out??
I got lost driving to the monthly meeting of UFOG.
I can't find a community college in the suburbs, yet I'm supposed to believe aliens travel billions of light years across infinite vastness of outer space and land in your yard. On purpose.
UFOG is the Unidentified Flying Object Group. And this is not my first visit. Call me crazy.
Last year I listened to Ron H. of Molalla, a normal-enough-looking guy, talk about the time he saw a 50-foot red ball hovering over his car, as he drove down Highway 213.
In the next few days, beautiful, wrinkless humanoids visited him in his living room. In 1982, the aliens said the United States was headed toward nuclear war... within three years.
That's when Ron first went public with his experiences. His phone was tapped, he said, and his mail intercepted. Visitors - government types, think men in black - stopped by his place of business.
The aliens told Ron they want humans to continue to live on Earth (how generous!) But, if we destroy ourselves, then, well, the planet will be re-populated by you-know-who.
They are not gods, more like science officers working on a specific project.
And we are it.
Ms. Layne D., a hypnotherapist, has never personally experienced a UFO contact. But a number of her patients have.
Like the woman who was visited by a little man. After some testing, she gave him "one of her eggs."
Another patient, it seems, was not a normal female, but the offspring of her mother and an alien entity.
Probably answered the wrong Personals ad.
By now, you are doubtlessly wondering, DO SPACE FOLKS FOOL AROUND?
This month's program is entitled "Alien Abduction for Crossbreeding Purposes." A total of 428 homo sapiens showed up. Snicker if you must. But, given the sheer number of planets OUT THERE, anyone who plays the national lottery should probably believe in UFOs.
Initially, Bruce S. thought his experiences were nothing more than very unusual dreams. Then, just a year ago, sleeping in a mobile home in Matena, Washington, the bearded, burly Bruce awoke, glanced out his window and saw a UFO. His first.
He tried to move, but couldn't. When he finally forced his right hand to lift off the bed, the spaceship disappeared. Blinked off.
The next three days, he'd wake up in the middle of the night, fully aroused. He just knew there was an alien woman out in the woods behind the house. He knew she'd come in, if he asked.
"I felt debauched, so I went out to the kitchen and made some tea."
Bruce told his therapist about his sexual longings for a space female. The counselor pointed out that his personal life - he was going through a divorce - was not fulfilling his needs, so his subsconscious was creating an imaginary love interest.
Bruce wanted to believe this was true.
Then one night - accompanied by "two little guys" - an alien woman showed up in Bruce's bedroom. She - he calls her his honeybun - was about 5' 6", naked except for a black wig. "Not bad looking," with very wierd eyes. (Sounds just like a lady I used to date.)
She comes into his bedroom in the middle of the night... romantic music up, fade to black.
Soon thereafter, Bruce heard the story of another man who'd had experiences just like his own. Bruce burst into tears. Emotion, relief, flowed out.
"Those tears are my proof," he said. "I knew then that my alien sex life was real."
Whew! I suddenly had an incredible urge for a cigarette. And I don't even smoke.
I was willing to take the man's testimony at face value, but then...
"I'm proud they picked me," Bruce boasts. "I've got kids in space."
But no Earth children. Go, figure.
According to a mental voyage he took to a galactic nursery, Bruce has 30 to 40 alien offspring.
How many mixed-species children in this crossbreeding program, you ask? Either 340,000 or 34 million. The message was unclear.
According to Bruce, the offspring will be the "second generation," which will colonize Earth in 2020-2030. Around about then.
Bruce believes he has been abducted by "the government" - I assume ours - because the Feds want to know what the aliens are up to. He believes there are underground bases in Los Alamos that are operated jointly by aliens and U.S. authorities.
He now believes he lost his virginity at age 14 to an alien.
He also believes his tentmate at Boy Scout Camp was an alien.
I find myself hoping this was an innocuous coincidence.
Do I believe him?
Well, I was never a Boy Scout.
To be honest, the idea of spending a week in the hinterlands with a bunch of adolescent males in uniform always seemed, well, alien to me.